There are days when that small statement seems to sum up the majority of my life.
I try not to think about them, but most of the time they consume my thoughts. People say not to dwell on the past, but everything always comes back to it. Most (but certainly not all) of my sins revolve around bad monetary decisions in the past. I've done well in not making any more in the last couple years, but the decisions before then are still screwing me left and right these days.
How can you look your wife in the eyes and tell her yet again that the tax refund you were expecting to get is no longer there? Last year, we had to pay over $1300 to the IRS because I had to pull my 401K after getting layed off the year before. This year, we should have had a return of almost $1800, yet this afternoon I discover that the Veterans Dept took over $1600 of it claiming they had overpaid my GI Bill from when I was in school. It's nice to see how much Uncle Sam appreciates my years of service and sacrifice.
Everything always connects too - like when I went back to school. By not doing enough research into the tech school I went to, I had no idea how badly I was getting ripped off. So now I owe $40K in school loans for an unfinished degree since I ran out of financial aid before I could finish. Fucking yay.
Buying my new car is another thing that continually haunts me, yet I can't get rid of it if I tried. Even if I let them reposssess it, I still owe the balance at the current monthly payment I can barely scrape up as it is. The car at least is one of the few mistakes that at the time, I could easily afford. I simply didn't see the layoff I had coming down the road a few months later.
Since the layoff way back when, I can't afford my car (or my motorcycle), we can't afford this house anymore, and with the constant rate hikes by the electric/gas company, I can't afford our continually growing electric and heating bills.
Now we're in a catch 22 situation - we can't afford our house anymore, but at the same time, we can't afford to get it fixed up to put it on the market for sale. We'll end up doing that somehow whether we can afford it or not, because otherwise we'll eventually lose everything.
The worst part in all of this is that my wife did absolutely nothing to deserve any of it. Her only crime was falling for me and that's the part that's slowly destroying my soul day by day.
Everything that haunts me in the present is all due from sins of the past. I suppose that's kind of a rhetorical statement, but it's still true. Even those mistakes that were made with the best intentions, or as someone put them - diabolical sins. I know they meant that in a joking manner, but truth be told, it's yet another thing that continues to bother me. No matter how honest the feelings or intentions, it shouldn't have been done and it's a regret I live with every day. They might argue over it, but it's something that shouldn't have happened at the time, and for that, I truly am sorry.
