Sins of the Past...
There are days when that small statement seems to sum up the majority of my life.
I try not to think about them, but most of the time they consume my thoughts. People say not to dwell on the past, but everything always comes back to it. Most (but certainly not all) of my sins revolve around bad monetary decisions in the past. I've done well in not making any more in the last couple years, but the decisions before then are still screwing me left and right these days.
How can you look your wife in the eyes and tell her yet again that the tax refund you were expecting to get is no longer there? Last year, we had to pay over $1300 to the IRS because I had to pull my 401K after getting layed off the year before. This year, we should have had a return of almost $1800, yet this afternoon I discover that the Veterans Dept took over $1600 of it claiming they had overpaid my GI Bill from when I was in school. It's nice to see how much Uncle Sam appreciates my years of service and sacrifice.
Everything always connects too - like when I went back to school. By not doing enough research into the tech school I went to, I had no idea how badly I was getting ripped off. So now I owe $40K in school loans for an unfinished degree since I ran out of financial aid before I could finish. Fucking yay.
Buying my new car is another thing that continually haunts me, yet I can't get rid of it if I tried. Even if I let them reposssess it, I still owe the balance at the current monthly payment I can barely scrape up as it is. The car at least is one of the few mistakes that at the time, I could easily afford. I simply didn't see the layoff I had coming down the road a few months later.
Since the layoff way back when, I can't afford my car (or my motorcycle), we can't afford this house anymore, and with the constant rate hikes by the electric/gas company, I can't afford our continually growing electric and heating bills.
Now we're in a catch 22 situation - we can't afford our house anymore, but at the same time, we can't afford to get it fixed up to put it on the market for sale. We'll end up doing that somehow whether we can afford it or not, because otherwise we'll eventually lose everything.
The worst part in all of this is that my wife did absolutely nothing to deserve any of it. Her only crime was falling for me and that's the part that's slowly destroying my soul day by day.
Everything that haunts me in the present is all due from sins of the past. I suppose that's kind of a rhetorical statement, but it's still true. Even those mistakes that were made with the best intentions, or as someone put them - diabolical sins. I know they meant that in a joking manner, but truth be told, it's yet another thing that continues to bother me. No matter how honest the feelings or intentions, it shouldn't have been done and it's a regret I live with every day. They might argue over it, but it's something that shouldn't have happened at the time, and for that, I truly am sorry.
I try not to think about them, but most of the time they consume my thoughts. People say not to dwell on the past, but everything always comes back to it. Most (but certainly not all) of my sins revolve around bad monetary decisions in the past. I've done well in not making any more in the last couple years, but the decisions before then are still screwing me left and right these days.
How can you look your wife in the eyes and tell her yet again that the tax refund you were expecting to get is no longer there? Last year, we had to pay over $1300 to the IRS because I had to pull my 401K after getting layed off the year before. This year, we should have had a return of almost $1800, yet this afternoon I discover that the Veterans Dept took over $1600 of it claiming they had overpaid my GI Bill from when I was in school. It's nice to see how much Uncle Sam appreciates my years of service and sacrifice.
Everything always connects too - like when I went back to school. By not doing enough research into the tech school I went to, I had no idea how badly I was getting ripped off. So now I owe $40K in school loans for an unfinished degree since I ran out of financial aid before I could finish. Fucking yay.
Buying my new car is another thing that continually haunts me, yet I can't get rid of it if I tried. Even if I let them reposssess it, I still owe the balance at the current monthly payment I can barely scrape up as it is. The car at least is one of the few mistakes that at the time, I could easily afford. I simply didn't see the layoff I had coming down the road a few months later.
Since the layoff way back when, I can't afford my car (or my motorcycle), we can't afford this house anymore, and with the constant rate hikes by the electric/gas company, I can't afford our continually growing electric and heating bills.
Now we're in a catch 22 situation - we can't afford our house anymore, but at the same time, we can't afford to get it fixed up to put it on the market for sale. We'll end up doing that somehow whether we can afford it or not, because otherwise we'll eventually lose everything.
The worst part in all of this is that my wife did absolutely nothing to deserve any of it. Her only crime was falling for me and that's the part that's slowly destroying my soul day by day.
Everything that haunts me in the present is all due from sins of the past. I suppose that's kind of a rhetorical statement, but it's still true. Even those mistakes that were made with the best intentions, or as someone put them - diabolical sins. I know they meant that in a joking manner, but truth be told, it's yet another thing that continues to bother me. No matter how honest the feelings or intentions, it shouldn't have been done and it's a regret I live with every day. They might argue over it, but it's something that shouldn't have happened at the time, and for that, I truly am sorry.
posted by Sandcatt at 9:16 PM
6 Comments:
Right from the Heart, my god man i would like to day I feel you on the whole tax thing but I'm still a poor soul living at home getting all that taken care of by my crazy parents
Not that my opinion matters here. Being I have that wonderfully sinful title of EX hanging over my head. However, You have always managed to come through. Not only for those of us who know and love you, but for yourself. I can't offer much, however if you should ever need it..my door, my empty rooms are free to use for you and yours. My shoulder is here, should you desire to rant. And as always, though it may not seem it, my friendship has always been yours as well. Try not to stress too much..everything falls into place eventually and this too shall pass. Worry not Young Grasshopper..even the wrong choices somehow turn out to be the best choices.
Oh - and just because it finally hit me in that last lil' statement...I don't regret it. I don't let what happened destroy me. You certainly shouldn't let it harm you either. But most of all, I am sorry to hear you regret it. I really am.
Damn there you people go with the sapy shit again
I thought this poem would be fitting for you Tufts.
New Friends and Old Friends
Make new friends, but keep the old
Those are silver, these are gold
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test-
Time and change - Are surely best
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray
Friendship never knows decay
For 'mid old friends, tried and true
Once more we our youth renew
But old friends, Alas! may die;
New friends must their place supply
Cherish friendship in your breast -
New is good, but old is best
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, These are gold
- Joseph Parry
I cant sympathize enough. There are many times in my life where I felt "God" puckers down his chocolate donut of love. You can see as a challenge to find your way to get through it or surrender. You'll make it through, you always have. In addition, the fact that you care so much for affecting your other means a lot about your commitment and love to her.
Ill be happy to buy ya a drink :)
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